Douze Points for Eurovision

I have just spent five days in Vienna. It was one of my best five days ever. I saw the Spanish Riding School horses do their trotty thing, I listened to the beauteous falsettos of the Vienna Boys Choir, rode the rickety wooden carriages of the Weiner Reisenrad and even sampled the biggest slice of Schnitzel I have ever seen (roughly the size of Luxemburg) but all of that fades away into the background as my memories of the last few Austrian days will be forever soaked with the joy that is the Eurovision Song Contest. An obsession since I first saw Bjorn’s star-shaped ABBA guitar back in 1974 and a televisual delight that has become the greatest show on earth.

Thanks to the multi-lashed, mini-waisted Conchita Wurst romping home with Rise Like A Phoenix at last year’s Danish competition, the hosting of this year’s Eurovision, the 60th anniversary show, fell to Austria, a country who last hosted the competition back in 1967 (the year that a barefooted Sandie Shaw guided her Puppet On A String to pole position – sadly a feat that this year’s UK entry Electro Velvet stood no chance of doing), and as soon as we arrived at Vienna airport it was clear that the whole city had gone Eurovish-crazy. Conchita’s bearded prettiness stared out from every shop window and the 2015 Euro-mantra of “Building Bridges” read out on every wall. Vienna was ready to party…and what a party it was!

First stop on the Eurovision train for us was the first Semi Final on the Tuesday night. Thanks to more countries than ever now entering the competition, one night of singalong action is not sufficient. 16 songs were up for consideration, with six to be jettisoned at the first hurdle. You came, you sang, you can now sling your hook. As we waved our hands in the air at the Stadt Halle, a group of inflatable-axe-wielding Dutch fans to one side of us and a couple of buff Armenian cuties in front of us, I would be lying if I said I that I wasn’t suddenly caught up in the whole mad, unifying glory of it. I have dreamt of heading to Eurovision since Cheryl Baker was in face-paint (CoCo, UK 1978) and goosebumps and a teary eye caught me as the opening strains of Moldova’s I Want Your Love kicked off the evening. And what a way to begin….in shirt-ripping, groin-thrusting, PVC-clad gyrating police force stylee. Euro-lunacy at its best. Sadly, 15 songs and ninety minutes later, Moldova and their kinky cops were obviously no more than a distant forgotten moment as they became one of the six countries failing to qualify for Saturday’s final…alongside a song I had tipped to win whilst guesting on The Vanessa Feltz Radio 2 Eurovision show a few days earlier, the anthemic Belarus entry, Time. I may have watched every show since Brighton 1974 but what do I know about picking a winner! Thankfully my other fave, the diva-licious Serbian entry Beauty Never Lies managed to bring the house down and romp through. But sadly for our inflatable waving pals from The Netherlands their entry too was sent packing. Ding A Dong wrong song! As were a Danish McFly. Strange!

Thursday’s second Semi was equally enjoyable (and plumping for seats in the arena as opposed to standing was a wise move after the foot-numbing moments of two days earlier). Highlights had to be Israel’s Golden Boy which literally took the entire arena and shook it into core-popping life with its Eastern beats and cheeky-boy dancey charm (a treat after a sea of sometimes-dreary-ballads) and the Swedish entry Heroes with its clever staging and pumping pecced pin-up singer. And I think we all know what happened to him come Saturday don’t we?

One of the things I adored about Eurovision (and they are countless) is the dissection of everything afterwards (in our case in the nearest pub) with fellow fans. Outfits are critiqued, bum notes noted and performances multi-analysed as a poppy post mortem is held. Did the right songs go through? How fit was that singer from Azerbaijan? Why did one of the singers throw her shoes across the stage? Every move, melody and moment is discussed over and over by people all with one common love – the joyous camp, kitsch glory of the Eurovish! The contest was discussed and friends were made.

And so onto Saturday – the big day itself. Bedecked in Union Jacks and as excited as catnipped-kittens we headed back to the Arena (via obligatory pub for pre-show vodka freshener of course). 9pm Austrian time hits and away we go….a purple, glittery Conchita, the Magic Bridge, the dancing balls of light and a dream come true for me. Short of hosting the show myself I couldn’t have been happier.

Sadly a lot of my favourite songs on the night were in the first half of the show. Always a dead zone for winners. Pre-Conchita in 2014, a song in the first half of the contest hadn’t won for years so it wasn’t looking good for Serbia (on 8th), Estonia (on 4th), Solvenia (on 1st) and Israel (on 3rd). All great songs, but would they be forgotten two hours later? The same question was raised for our own entry, the boppy Electro Velvet with Still In Love With You, performing 5th. Now, a lot of criticism has been flung at Bianca and Alex’s 1920s feel number and the (some would say) inevitable fact that it ended the night in 24th pace with a mere five points. Personally I loved the song and the performance and staging was, in my opinion, good. I have friends around the world who slated the song saying it was an embarrassment to the UK music scene. My take on this is simple. Bring back the Song For Europe style competition with one established act (Olly Murs, Claire Richards, Sophie Ellis Bextor for mere suggestion) and a host of different songs (it worked for everybody from Sandie Shaw through to Sonia). If the public picked instead of a mystery panel (who are they?) then maybe radio, TV, media would be more behind our entry and turn it into a song that people had heard and grown to love before the contest. I had one person on Facebook ask me on the day of the contest if I had heard the UK entry yet as she hadn’t. This saddens me. Electro Velvet’s song wasn’t as immediate as some of the bigger Eurovision hitters this year (Australia, Russia, Italy, Sweden) but where was the pre-show media support? Apart from them popping up on Graham Norton’s TV and Radio shows their support was, as far as I could see, a tad minimal.

I will be the first to say though that maybe the UK needs to start taking the contest a little more seriously. People say we’ll never win again. Why? Block voting, not being liked, daft entries? Take your pick, but I am convinced that with the right song, the right singer (and hopefully the right placing in the performance order) that maybe we could see the first UK win since Katrina And The Waves. It is a song contest, not a popularity contest. Look at Russia this year. A Million Voices was one of the strongest songs, great singer, had it all. Hence why they romped to second place. But a Russian win will never be popular given the current state of the views of the Russian government. Which is why there were boos from the crowd on the night for Russia. Not at the song or the singer, but at a country where certain quarters would happily smash a gay person in the face with a rock. Nobody can ever tell me that such action is anything short of barbaric. I am so much happier to be heading to Scandinavia next year as opposed to Russia, regardless of the strength of their 2015 entry.

So, the night ended with a sexy Swedish win with Mans Zelmerlow and Heroes and a new British Euro-hero in the form of Nigella Lawson with her exotic, multi-lingual delivery of the results (the pivotal ones to put eventual winners Sweden ahead of the contentious Russia). Electro Velvet were fun and frothy, Australia belted out a corker and ended up top 5 – will they return again – unlikely, but what a one-off it was from Guy Sebastien, and the host country and one of the Big 5, Germany, ended up on nul points. Surprises galore and a harnessed Conchita! You do not find that on any other TV show.